alexithymia

 no weird fake-deep prose today, you're welcome.  

 oh god, i've opened blogger again, it can't be a good night now. glad google's kept this platform around, we'll see how long that lasts.  

 The thing is, it doesn't really get better, things fade but can return in a moment's notice, really. I think stress is a large factor in this, although I very rarely ever feel /stressed/, just overwhelmed in some weird way. Or maybe I don't like admitting that I feel stress - a weakness. I can handle it all, right?

 Let me intro this post with a poem (loose definition) that I wrote last year. "it's simple, find the common denominator and add the top numbers." i drum a little tune on the steering wheel of the truck, two, four, eight the dirt crusted into my fingernails like ridged brown peaks if i do well today maybe i can have a beer or five, six one of them will have what i'm looking for in the bottom of the glass, surely i'm not in the truck anymore, though i'm looking at the linear transformation trying to find where common denominator is "we learned this in high school, AP biology, we took community college courses" guess i was too busy scraping the dirt from beneath my fingernails sorry about that, i'll look better, do better next time and finally earn what was meant for me

 i almost got hit by a car today i was walking my dog, which makes it a little less excusable. i thought i made eye contact with the driver as i was hitting the button for the walk sign, but i guess i was wrong. she barely swerved to miss me, gave a wave and mouthed something along the lines of "oh my god i'm so sorry". i gave a sheepish wave and carried on, she stayed in the intersection for whatever reason, i'm not sure. i'm sorry, mostly. i'm sorry that i had to see the mountains cut through the sky like so many jagged knives on a perfect searing day, the pavement melting to our soles like taffy. i hate that i have to feel sweet oxygen fill my lungs every day, each breath even better than the last, O2 nestling perfectly in the divot of a red blood cell specially adapted for it. i regret seeing the fantastic lights everywhere, feeling the connection with humanity, knowing what it's like to be a human being. and i hate that this morning, i saw the folds a...

 i think my love for duality comes from being raised religious. two sides, good and evil, two beings on either side, etc. etc. so of course i identify with the principle and apply it to myself. i've been doing this since i was a teenager (maybe even before that). there were two alexs, the front facing good one, and the "real" alex, which is who created my thoughts and was on display to people/places that i wasn't connected with in person. the creation of the "good" alex led to calling the other alex "evil", which has made seemingly infinite mental issues for me.  labeling a part of myself as "evil" was a self fulfilling prophecy that i wish i could reverse. it allowed me to collect vices and treat people unfairly, since i was "evil", might as well go all the way, right? it took maturity to see through the concepts of good and evil, and to build enough self confidence to believe that i could pull myself out of what i considered a...