alexithymia

 i almost got hit by a car today i was walking my dog, which makes it a little less excusable. i thought i made eye contact with the driver as i was hitting the button for the walk sign, but i guess i was wrong. she barely swerved to miss me, gave a wave and mouthed something along the lines of "oh my god i'm so sorry". i gave a sheepish wave and carried on, she stayed in the intersection for whatever reason, i'm not sure. i'm sorry, mostly. i'm sorry that i had to see the mountains cut through the sky like so many jagged knives on a perfect searing day, the pavement melting to our soles like taffy. i hate that i have to feel sweet oxygen fill my lungs every day, each breath even better than the last, O2 nestling perfectly in the divot of a red blood cell specially adapted for it. i regret seeing the fantastic lights everywhere, feeling the connection with humanity, knowing what it's like to be a human being. and i hate that this morning, i saw the folds a

 i think my love for duality comes from being raised religious. two sides, good and evil, two beings on either side, etc. etc. so of course i identify with the principle and apply it to myself. i've been doing this since i was a teenager (maybe even before that). there were two alexs, the front facing good one, and the "real" alex, which is who created my thoughts and was on display to people/places that i wasn't connected with in person. the creation of the "good" alex led to calling the other alex "evil", which has made seemingly infinite mental issues for me.  labeling a part of myself as "evil" was a self fulfilling prophecy that i wish i could reverse. it allowed me to collect vices and treat people unfairly, since i was "evil", might as well go all the way, right? it took maturity to see through the concepts of good and evil, and to build enough self confidence to believe that i could pull myself out of what i considered a

there are certain unique traits in people that i really, really like. just one off things, i don't think it has anything to do with romantic or sexual attraction, it either intrigues me or just interests me. i love people that walk on the balls of their feet with a bounce. i never noticed this until my foreman pointed it out/put a name to it, but i like the enthusiasm for life the walk seems to show. or the general disregard for being weird. i also love people who laugh easily. both for my own sake (it makes me feel good when people laugh at my jokes) and i enjoy the joy their aura seems to have.i guess most of these things have something in common, i like people with positive and kind auras, which isn't unusual to like. i LOVE people with gap teeth. probably to feel better about my own insecurities, but i like the uniqueness of it anyways. basically any trait that's not conventionally attractive that the person is proud of, i like confidence in uniqueness.  i've always

i'm trying to not pursue relationships as aggressively as i once did. this has led me to more isolation. i'm not sure what the consequence of being less assertive ended up being. either, from the expectations that i will always make the first move, people assume that i will continue to do just that and take my lack of such action as either my disinterest or depression. or maybe, the only interest in my person from others came from my literally forcing them to be in my life (i sincerely hope this isn't the case). who knows. i certainly feel less attractive as i've had more time to dwell on my insecurities, and i'm receiving less external validation/attention. i think it's good for me, both for no longer relying on others for a sense of self worth (very hard for me) and for humbling my ego a little bit. i've more or less accepted my fate as a spinster. i will be making major life choices much older at an advanced age and no one is going to want to deal with th

 i've had an eye twitch for about a month. it's an odd thing, they normally only develop when i'm under a lot of stress, which i'm certainly not.  the old feelings pile up and tumble over each other, crashing into and colliding with my life. no one told me that my choices were permanent, and had lasting consequences. it's not like i was raised protestant or anything. in any case, i wish i would have kept some things to myself. ouroboros continues to eat its own tail. i'm hesitant to share my thoughts and feelings about spirituality with friends and would never share them with family, as certain people exhibit different levels of openness to different subjects. i'm not condemning them, i see the same trait in myself (god forbid anyone discuss nuances of christianity or the reasoning behind astrology in my presence). i'm afraid of public shame ("illogical", religious reasoning from a so-called scientist? as if i had any credibility to save in the

 bukowski said in an interview once that he got sick when he didn't write, to the point that he couldn't function. not that he was very functional anyways (alcohol! was is the final cure or the start of the disease?). i've been getting it too. probably cabin fever or boredom, but the ideas and problems start piling up and last night, i slept four hours.   freud talks about the dangers of stifling the id. (yes, i know everyone you got to learn this in psych 101 and you have poured over this in your mind and digested it properly like i should have done years ago, apparently. i can never get ahead of you, can i?) i'm leaving all of my vices behind, i eat well, stay active. i'm wondering if it will all pile up inside of me and come erupting out during my midlife crisis. or maybe freud didn't have a perfect grasp on the human psyche, just like bukowski didn't have a perfect grasp on writing. they just studied both for a long, long time. i hate when they feel enti