what is going on

 The thing is, it doesn't really get better, things fade but can return in a moment's notice, really. I think stress is a large factor in this, although I very rarely ever feel /stressed/, just overwhelmed in some weird way. Or maybe I don't like admitting that I feel stress - a weakness. I can handle it all, right?


The past few weeks haven't felt real to me. I think something snapped inside of me again and it isn't repairing itself this time. I'm starting to finally feel the consequences of being an "other", landing myself in an environment that I don't below in, feeling the selection pressures. My fur is dark brown, standing stark against the white snow, the eagles and owls with a sharp eye for me. I'm getting too old to be flexible anymore, I can't blend in as well, and just feel more alien with every action I take. 

Is the alienation from others, though? It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, like all of the rest of them. I feel unlike the others, start to distance myself, and eventually end up the outgroup.  

 I guess I'm sober now. We'll see how long that lasts. I turned myself into the recovery center after yet another mental breakdown. 

It mostly fucking sucks. I've taken away from myself both my only true comfort and the last self-harm method I had. I feel more vulnerable than I've ever felt in my life. No escape anymore, I have to face everything head on. I know I need it, though. No use spending 6 years in school just to die at 30. What a fucking waste. Not like it was worth much anyways.

It's all a play, anyways. And a cruel joke. Let's dress up the alcoholic, make her look put together, put her in high-level classes and teach her genomics. Let's take her to conferences, have her give talks, manage databases. Hell, we'll even let her in recovery! We can all laugh at her pathetic attempts to fit in with the rest of us.

I HATE that I called it. I knew I'd be an alcoholic before I had ever tasted alcohol. I needed an escape. Hell, I still do, but instead I just sit with it. Maybe it'll feel different in the future.

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