IF YOU ACT LIKE YOU CARE

 Let me intro this post with a poem (loose definition) that I wrote last year.

"it's simple, find the common denominator and add the top numbers."

i drum a little tune on the steering wheel of the truck,
two, four, eight
the dirt crusted into my fingernails like ridged brown peaks

if i do well today maybe i can have a beer
or five, six
one of them will have what i'm looking for
in the bottom of the glass, surely

i'm not in the truck anymore, though
i'm looking at the linear transformation
trying to find where common denominator is
"we learned this in high school,
AP biology,
we took community college courses"

guess i was too busy scraping the dirt from beneath my fingernails
sorry about that, i'll look better, do better next time
and finally earn what was meant for me

The problem with being scared is that it never, never goes away. I've been around long enough now that I can see the timeline, the cause and effect of my life. My mistakes are cemented, now, for me to stumble over on my daily walk. Even if I cleverly step around them, don't worry, I'll get to lay in bed for hours at night remembering them fondly.

It was an experiment, right? All of it? To see what happens to a truly useless person. Watch them try and fail, over and over again, to do ANYTHING. Hold a conversation, make a friend, park a car, don't worry, they'll fail at all of it. Or maybe it's a TV show, the audience forever entertained by the endless fuck-ups of the protagonist, just giving her enough hope to keep her alive before taking it all away again. Haha, the protagonist - you know you're the antagonist, constantly getting into people's lives and being a negative influence. Why don't they just keep you away from everyone else like they used to? Why do you leave the house, scum? You're ugly anyways, no one wants to see you. The experiment was a bust from the beginning. Really, from before you were even born. 

And, you get to be totally alone, forever. Sure, there's people around, but you don't get to connect with them, they're not like you. They don't act the way you do. And this will never change, you can get as good as you'd like imitating them, but it just makes the gap between you and them larger and larger. They can tell, anyways.

I really, honestly, don't want to be here anymore.