two of us

 i think my love for duality comes from being raised religious. two sides, good and evil, two beings on either side, etc. etc. so of course i identify with the principle and apply it to myself. i've been doing this since i was a teenager (maybe even before that). there were two alexs, the front facing good one, and the "real" alex, which is who created my thoughts and was on display to people/places that i wasn't connected with in person. the creation of the "good" alex led to calling the other alex "evil", which has made seemingly infinite mental issues for me. 

labeling a part of myself as "evil" was a self fulfilling prophecy that i wish i could reverse. it allowed me to collect vices and treat people unfairly, since i was "evil", might as well go all the way, right? it took maturity to see through the concepts of good and evil, and to build enough self confidence to believe that i could pull myself out of what i considered a lesser life.

there is still another me, although i'm not sure what their current role is. did you guys watch malignant? it wasn't very good but that's what the other me is, nothing but a tumor now. and here i go again, labeling bits of myself as evil yet again. 

it also created a disconnect from others, as there is a "persona" between me and everyone else. of course, we all have this, but i feel like mine is so well-developed and extreme after years of use that it has evolved into someone entirely different from myself.

i want any self to dissolve. i want no boundary between me and the universe.