what i want

i'm trying to not pursue relationships as aggressively as i once did. this has led me to more isolation. i'm not sure what the consequence of being less assertive ended up being. either, from the expectations that i will always make the first move, people assume that i will continue to do just that and take my lack of such action as either my disinterest or depression. or maybe, the only interest in my person from others came from my literally forcing them to be in my life (i sincerely hope this isn't the case). who knows.

i certainly feel less attractive as i've had more time to dwell on my insecurities, and i'm receiving less external validation/attention. i think it's good for me, both for no longer relying on others for a sense of self worth (very hard for me) and for humbling my ego a little bit. i've more or less accepted my fate as a spinster. i will be making major life choices much older at an advanced age and no one is going to want to deal with that. i'm simply building a little life for myself alone, i believe.

anyways! i've started assigning certain plants to people i know and seeing them as something to be gardened and tended to. nurturing friendships needs to be a priority for me since i don't intend on having kids, have estranged relationships with family members, and will probably outlive a SO (if i get one) so the people i've chosen to be in my life are going to be the ones there for/with me in the end. maybe a selfish way of looking at it, but it's give and take, and i intend on being there for others as well. 

a lot of people i love are in the asteraceae family, desire for their bright sunny beauty with a tendency to keep to themselves but spread cheer to others. i know a dark purple variety of Ipomoea alba, lives during the nighttime and is hardly noticeable except to one with a keen eye. i know a beautiful russian olive tree, my sturdy foundation whose essence is carried through the summer breeze every single year. everyone is so unique in their own ways and need different kinds of nurturing to thrive. 

okay, enough of the plant talk. until next time!