irritants

 i've had an eye twitch for about a month. it's an odd thing, they normally only develop when i'm under a lot of stress, which i'm certainly not. 

the old feelings pile up and tumble over each other, crashing into and colliding with my life. no one told me that my choices were permanent, and had lasting consequences. it's not like i was raised protestant or anything. in any case, i wish i would have kept some things to myself. ouroboros continues to eat its own tail.

i'm hesitant to share my thoughts and feelings about spirituality with friends and would never share them with family, as certain people exhibit different levels of openness to different subjects. i'm not condemning them, i see the same trait in myself (god forbid anyone discuss nuances of christianity or the reasoning behind astrology in my presence). i'm afraid of public shame ("illogical", religious reasoning from a so-called scientist? as if i had any credibility to save in the first place) and the intimacy that comes with sharing thoughts of death and afterlife. i'm also afraid of my own hypocrisy being thrown in my face, as someone who held beliefs of rebirth into other beings should certainly treat said other beings better. of course, daily life and instant reactions to events tend to muddle and water down belief systems, especially if they're not front and center in your mind. i saw this in my parents - you claim to believe that certain actions will land you in infinite suffering. logically, you would never, ever perform those actions as the effect is insane compared to the infinitesimal action itself. however, they're fighting against instinct and nature (the animal that they are), and the suddenly powerful desire of the moment, and the threat of suffering lessens itself in the back of their mind. 

i have seen evidence of one consciousness. i'm sure it is intertwined with nature, although i'm not sure how exactly yet. i believe that, in similarity to certain eastern religions and even some aspects of christianity (one flesh), every person shares one consciousness that is "reborn" into another. in this life i am "me", developed by a combination of my DNA and lifetime experiences, and in another life i will be "you". i'm not sure if this is happening simultaneously, chronologically (i doubt this is the case, i've seen the concept of "time" distorted and destroyed), or randomly (i could be a human that lived 1000 years ago after this body passes). i'm not sure when this consciousness began, maybe it evolved just like the brain evolved, we just have no physical way of tracking it. it will likely continue to evolve, and maybe there are beings in a higher state that realize and utilize this connection more efficiently.

i am telling myself that this is not a coping mechanism for fear of non-existence. i mean, what's worse, if the choices are infinite existence, infinite nothingness, or infinite bliss/torture? all are equally terrifying. 

this leads to a complete different definition of karma. the choices i make in this life CERTAINLY effect my other lives. however, i don't believe that i will be reborn into a "better" person if i behave myself in this life. but when i manipulate others with this body, i am only manipulating myself. when i hurt or take advantage of others, i am simply causing harm to myself. of course, these other bodies are infinitely different from my own as they have different genetic coding and personalities developed from their environment, so to treat their needs and interests as my own would be shallow. and i am excited to experience these different lifetimes, as they give me the ultimate insight into the human experience.

how has this affected the way i view things? not as much as i'd like it to. see above - sudden reactions to events are more powerful than i'd like them to be. i believe another eastern practice would help me with this, and i've been attempting to meditate more often to gain a better control of my reaction to situations. 

that's all for now.