alexithymia

there are certain unique traits in people that i really, really like. just one off things, i don't think it has anything to do with romantic or sexual attraction, it either intrigues me or just interests me. i love people that walk on the balls of their feet with a bounce. i never noticed this until my foreman pointed it out/put a name to it, but i like the enthusiasm for life the walk seems to show. or the general disregard for being weird. i also love people who laugh easily. both for my own sake (it makes me feel good when people laugh at my jokes) and i enjoy the joy their aura seems to have.i guess most of these things have something in common, i like people with positive and kind auras, which isn't unusual to like. i LOVE people with gap teeth. probably to feel better about my own insecurities, but i like the uniqueness of it anyways. basically any trait that's not conventionally attractive that the person is proud of, i like confidence in uniqueness.  i've always

i'm trying to not pursue relationships as aggressively as i once did. this has led me to more isolation. i'm not sure what the consequence of being less assertive ended up being. either, from the expectations that i will always make the first move, people assume that i will continue to do just that and take my lack of such action as either my disinterest or depression. or maybe, the only interest in my person from others came from my literally forcing them to be in my life (i sincerely hope this isn't the case). who knows. i certainly feel less attractive as i've had more time to dwell on my insecurities, and i'm receiving less external validation/attention. i think it's good for me, both for no longer relying on others for a sense of self worth (very hard for me) and for humbling my ego a little bit. i've more or less accepted my fate as a spinster. i will be making major life choices much older at an advanced age and no one is going to want to deal with th