alexithymia

 i've had an eye twitch for about a month. it's an odd thing, they normally only develop when i'm under a lot of stress, which i'm certainly not.  the old feelings pile up and tumble over each other, crashing into and colliding with my life. no one told me that my choices were permanent, and had lasting consequences. it's not like i was raised protestant or anything. in any case, i wish i would have kept some things to myself. ouroboros continues to eat its own tail. i'm hesitant to share my thoughts and feelings about spirituality with friends and would never share them with family, as certain people exhibit different levels of openness to different subjects. i'm not condemning them, i see the same trait in myself (god forbid anyone discuss nuances of christianity or the reasoning behind astrology in my presence). i'm afraid of public shame ("illogical", religious reasoning from a so-called scientist? as if i had any credibility to save in the

 bukowski said in an interview once that he got sick when he didn't write, to the point that he couldn't function. not that he was very functional anyways (alcohol! was is the final cure or the start of the disease?). i've been getting it too. probably cabin fever or boredom, but the ideas and problems start piling up and last night, i slept four hours.   freud talks about the dangers of stifling the id. (yes, i know everyone you got to learn this in psych 101 and you have poured over this in your mind and digested it properly like i should have done years ago, apparently. i can never get ahead of you, can i?) i'm leaving all of my vices behind, i eat well, stay active. i'm wondering if it will all pile up inside of me and come erupting out during my midlife crisis. or maybe freud didn't have a perfect grasp on the human psyche, just like bukowski didn't have a perfect grasp on writing. they just studied both for a long, long time. i hate when they feel enti